Rebirth …
I was afraid....
Afraid of being alone …
Of waking up one day and being completely alone … LIFELESS…
His words hurt …
The abundance of bad actions …
The lack of good choices …
Killed me slowly…
Extinguishing my fire …
The same fire that led him to me..
The same fire he used against me …
Killing me …
Kil---ling ME …
But what he didn't know was that …
Once I had taken my last breath …
All that was left after the darkness
Was LIGHT
Far away … at the end of the tunnel
There was life …
It Started off slowly … and faint
But visible and true
And they led me there
Those who cared …they led me there …
To a place … that I yearned for
A place that I begged for…
A place that was so true and blessed…
But I was there…and before I knew it
I was gasping for air …
Breath after breath
I made it there…
I was alive …
And I slowly opened up my eyes to see.
The world before me …
And it was beautiful…
Life was beautiful …
I am beautiful.
And I was finally there
I was alive...
And I was strong
And I saw myself in the mirror…
And I loved what I saw…
And I saw a beautiful smile…
Full of life ….
A smile ….
A feeling of peacefulness filled my body …
And for the first time in a long time..
I felt comfortable in my own skin …
Because it's beautiful and creamy and brown …
And HAPPY …
Yes happy …
And for the first time in a long time I saw the sun …
And its rays touched my cheeks
And its light poured down on me …
And for the first time in a long time..
LIFE kissed me on the lips …
2.
Broken
Sometimes all you have is your heart and your pen…
A blank canvas...Like a ghost ….
Reminiscent of something that was …
But is no more …
It opens up its space …its nothingness
So that you can paint a picture of your own …
Write your own verse …
Your own poem …
It wants you to consume it with every thing your heart has to bare
And yet it's hard for you to fill it …. Why?
Here it is...
MY all…
I love you …
Fell in love with everything you are …
Gave you the only thing I knew was right …
Sorry I couldn't be that for you ….
Tired of fighting ….
When is someone going to fight for me?
Hope that's enough to fill this space…
This time…
3.
The secret ....
after watching the movie for some time...
i start trying to break down these ideologies in my head ...
that the mind is a powerful thing ...
and that we carry a large amount of energy
with enough power to attract everything and anything we desire in life ....
i find myself contemplating this notion that everything is
as I envision it...
that I have FULL control of my life and where it stands ...
and that the power of attraction is one we can’t control ..
it just is ...
as I sit in this chair...
right at this very moment ..
I play with these ideas in my head ...
and I realize that this has always been the case.......
i have always been able to acquire or achieve what I truly desired and searched for in life ...
to be surrounded by people that inspire me to be me ...
and those who just allow me to be ...
to have the capability to learn and explore new things each day ...
to be able to FEEL life through its most divine and genuine forms...
a touch ... a kiss ... a stare.... laughter....
being able to connect with the people around me ...
family...close friends ...lovers... or a person that just for an instance makes you smile for no apparent reason...
these notions are part of the composition of my life ... my story ... my world....my dreams..
still analyzing the unknown... i come to the conclusion that the secret is not the secret itself ..
not these small notions of life ....
but the actual fact that it has ALWAYS been there ...
even when you didn’t see it ...
4.
Letting go…
So not only am I sick with the flu or whatever else you want to call it … but I'm also suffering from something called "stubbornness"…
In the past 24 hours I have made the realization that I am extremely "stubborn"… Specifically, when it comes to allowing others to help me or to do things for me …
I have been living with this idea that I am self sufficient … this idea that I am able to do all things … not having to depend on anyone for my well being… financially or emotionally … and that (for lack of better words)..."I GOT THIS" ...
After having been let down by someone that I trusted and loved … someone I depended on… I vowed to prove to myself that I could do it all on my own…I became "Miss. Independent" …don't get me wrong… I still managed to be caring and loving …but I convinced myself that allowing someone to help me meant that I was vulnerable and weak …
For the past year, I have been living my life and walking on this earth with this invincible "brick wall" wrapped around me…a wall that helped keep certain feelings inside … and only let certain people in at times… a wall that helped enclosed my inner struggles and demons…
The irony in all this… is that while I lived my life in that way … not only did I shut out my friends and the people I love … but what I was truly doing was creating limitations for myself .. I was cheating myself of living a truly "liberated" life … I was breaking down the root of this concept of "independence" I yearned for so much…
The truth of the matter is… the existence of these internal conflicts can be so unhealthy and damaging to the mind and body that they tend to come to the surface at times and make us physically sick…
This is why I am truly happy I have made this discovery and that I am ready to change this about myself… In all honesty … we are all victims of these inner WARS ...
And to you all ... I say:
"letting go" is the best medicine for the soul…
(See I feel better already!)
5.
Lifeless…..
His weapon of choice …
Words …
Power …
Intoxicated by anger …
Doubt….
Thoughts racing …
Emotions …
What has HE done?
Destroyed the last thing standing …
A sort of respect …
Love … Admiration …
Who is HE?
Deception …
A Bandit…
A burning sensation runs through me …
Then a feeling of nothingness …
A giant gap …
HE crossed the line
HE has forever changed me …
And there I lay …LIFELESS …
02/25/80 – 09/22/2005
6.
Dark
Its one of those days …
Where things don't seem so clear …
Every thought rushes through your brain …
Giving you a massive headache!
You contemplate every possible topic …
Your life …Your life …& your life …
It's a recurring theme…
It makes you melancholy …
A bit of loneliness takes over your world…
And you feel like you are drowning …
You are drowning in your thoughts…
In your sadness …
In your loneliness…
In this small space …
You can't get out of bed …
All you want to do is sleep…
All you want to do is Dream …
It's the only thing that offers you solace
Even in total darkness …
Your body does not allow you to sleep …
You close your eyes and pretend…
All you can do is toss and turn for hours…
Your thoughts keep you awake …
When you finally fall asleep
You realize that your dreams have become nightmares …
You want to scream...
But you can't…
No words come out …
When you finally awake …
You awake in this horrible daze
That you can't seem to shake…
You feel lost in the question…
"What will make me eternally happy?"
The million dollar question …
A sudden thought comes to mind…
It satisfies your soul…
Grants some comfort…
A moment of enlightenment sort to speak…
This is the eternal balance of the world…
Sometimes you have to return to darkness in order to appreciate the sun light ….
7.
Praying out loud…
I have this humungous amount of time to think…
Let's be more accurate ….
An infinite amount of days
Hours… Minutes … Seconds. ..
All this time dedicated to my thoughts …
My aspirations and my fears....
And I can't seem to get away from it …
Or have it get away from me…
Thinking while I lay in my bed …
In the shower …
While brushing my hair …
On the train...
On my way to work …
In between customers..
At lunch time …
On a long cab ride home…
In front of this computer
While I write these words …
Right now …
I'm Thinking …
And Praying …
Praying that ill have enough money to keep a roof over my head …
Food in my stomach …
Means to get around …
And a way to help my family …
Praying that ill be able to prove myself at work
That I won't fuck up …
That ill do a job well done …
And that someone will soon recognize my worth …
Praying that I won't always come home to an empty home
An empty bed …
Praying that one day someone will be there once again …
And that I'll have someone ask me Simply.. how my day went…
Praying that I won't become a victim of Love again…
That I'll get the respect and Love I deserve
Praying that I won't have to play second best
Praying that you won't punish me for all the wrong I have done…
Praying that the next time you grant me the gift of life
I'll be stronger and able to embrace it …
Praying that there is a next time …
Praying that when I lay in my death bed
Ill be able to recount all the beautiful memories in my life …
And that I'll be able to play them back ..
Like short black and white movies in my head
Praying that with time I won't change
And become a cold, heartless woman
Who lets her fears overcome her to the point
she won't be able to recognize herself in the mirror…
Praying that I'll forever hear the music …
Praying ….
8.
an ode to happiness...
happiness ...
an array of "moments"
put together like beads
on a string ...
each piece carressing your body ...
as if laying on a field of dreams and passions...
it becomes something you want close
and hold very dear ...
something beautiful....
each instance complimenting
your beauty ...
bringing out the best in you ..
while at the same time
shining brilliantly on its own ..
like a star ;-)
[eres .. .
mi pensamiento mas profundo, también eres,
tan sólo dime lo que hago, aquí me tienes.Eres cuando despierto lo primero, eso eres,lo único, precioso, que mi mente habita hoy.]
